Of Desires and Immutables

Isn't it weird how when we are young we get so worked up over being forced to go to bed, but now that we're in college all we want is to finish what we have to do so we can get to bed and sleep?

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I've been working steadily on my J-term work this past week: studying, researching, reading, walking and writing. I'm almost done with my presentation (though when I finish this blog I'll be practicing it in the study lounge) and about to start my final paper. It's been a huge amount of work, but I find that if I get worked up about things, it just gets harder and harder to actually sit done and do them. Whether I'm freaking out about something or not usually has no influence on the quality of the work I do, so I generally just don't freak out. It's much easier. That's a good lesson for any incoming college student: your workload will increase ten fold from high school (probably), but getting freaked out about it won't help you at all. As long as you always try your hardest and manage your time well, regardless of the ease or amount of homework you have, you will be fine. Freaking out is not only stressful and unenjoyable, but pretty annoying for your friends and roommate.

On Wednesday I'll be heading home, be there for a week, and then I'll come back for second semester. I'm rather excited to start up my new classes, but anticipate that excitement to fade within a week, and I'll be back at the grind, waiting for the next break with eagerness. I wish that I could be in love with school, like some other people. They are truly blessed, to enjoy academia.

Today I walked into the men's room in the Union, very much distracted with other thoughts. I looked up and saw a baby changing station, and was jolted out of my reverie; was I in the girl's bathroom? Immediately I felt a bit ashamed. Why do I automatically assume that only a woman's bathroom would have a baby changing station? I guess sexism is rather built into us, and even though we may remove all the outward signs of it, there will probably be a bit of those gender distinctions in us for many generations. I really was in the men's room, by the way.

Well the winter months are upon us, and at least for me, the novelty and beauty of the snow has begun to wear off. I'm ready for the warm weather again. Only a few more months :) stay warm my friends.

Take it easy,

Danny

Petering Out

I feel like I have been a part harsh on Luther throughout my posts, and I want to set that right. So far, it has been a wonderful institution. There has been so much to love about it: the classes are challenging and engaging (most of the time- nowhere is perfect), the professors are all helpful, there are activities to do on campus, and the food has been great. I want to say that the problems that I have discussed throughout all my blogs have been the result of personal issues; I no doubt would encounter them at any school. But I want to be honest, and to be honest I have to show my feelings as they are, not as an incoming student or admissions counselor would want them to be. So I lament that Luther has to be the setting to my personal issues. Make sure you form an impression of your own about Luther before you choose the school you'll attend next year.

On Friday our J-term class did another field trip to Minneapolis. It was a pretty awesome experience just being able to wander around the city with absolutely no agenda, even though it was like -20 degrees out with the wind chill. I walked around downtown, headed over to Dinkytown near the UM campus, and visited a cool tapas bar (which apparently was 21 and over, but I didn't see the sign and didn't get carded. It was pretty cool). Other than the field trips, though, J-term has been a load of work. A load of reading, actually. I've spent on average of about 5 or 6 hours a day reading and journaling. I'm told that's not an average amount for J-term (my friends lounge about all day playing Mario Kart and Super Smash Bros.)

I guess I don't really know what to write about. Things are kind of stalemating. Not very much enthusiasm for school or social life remains; things will get better though.

Take it easy,

Danny

Lost, and Wishing I was Lost

Last week for my J-term class, on Friday, we went to explore Waukon, a city about 20 miles east of Decorah, for a few hours. We got there and set off on our own paths, just exploring the town, trying to find interesting things about it. I talked to the editor of the town newspaper, who was grumpy and didn't quite understand why I was there talking to him; I went into the elementary school and toured the theater behind the gymnasium, trying on various costumes that were much too small for me; I bought a plant at a local greenhouse; I walked around the high school after fanagling my way into a visitor pass. But it was meeting the local undertaker and getting tour of the funeral home that was the highlight. I and two other students got into a conversation with he and his wife at a cafe, and then we made a visit to his funeral home later that day. It was quite a fascinating tour, and he was very funny and nice.

It didn't strike me until a few days later, though, that the whole experience was so completely un-high school that I didn't even think about it as school. I suppose in a way it was, but it was the first taste of collegiate independence as sponsored by the school that I had got, and I loved it. I couldn't ever imagine being in high school and being set free on a small town for a few hours, completely at our own devices all day. And on Friday we go to Minneapolis to do the same thing. I'm very much looking forward to getting lost and alone in a big city. It was an amazing, walking around in Waukon, just walking and looking and getting to know people. That human element and the intimacy of little towns is all but lost when we drive in cars. All we see are main streets as we drive through them as they straddle a highway. It's just an annoyance to slow down. So I'm very excited to experience Minneapolis while walking.

The winter has been tough for me. I am feeling more and more restless with each day, just wanting to get out of Decorah, out of Iowa in general. I am just not happy staying here in one place; it isn't natural. I don't know how I'll work it out of my system, because I'm not ready to accept it just yet. Maybe soon, but for now I am going to stay where I am. I find myself staring out of every window, looking to the horizon and wishing I was on my way there, to find and explore what I just can't quite see. For some reason, though, going to the rock wall has helped. I've been there pretty much every day for the past couple of weeks. I love it. I want to be out in Montana or Colorado or simply west and be climbing and bumming and living with people of my ilk and perspective. People that simply live and don't give anything about society. Ragged people. Well anyways,

Take it easy,

Danny

Hearing Myself Think

It's been about a month since I posted and a lot has happened. Nothing too special or life changing, but a lot has indeed happened. I took finals, which were an experience unlike any in high school. College finals mean a whole lot and you have to actually spend hours studying. I put in my time and was happy with the results, though, so that's that and there's nothing more to complain about. Then came Christmas break, and that was something else. It was pretty awesome to be back with my old friends, friends that I have dearly missed the past few months. We spent nearly every night together- something my parents were not particularly enthused about. But we had some amazing conversations and times just hanging out and watching movies. There is just this gap between college friends and high school friends that occurs most obviously because of the amount of time you've known them, but because your high school friends saw you through some pretty formative years. It's truly a comfort and a joy to be around them again.

And now I'm back at Luther. Starting J-Term. I'm taking a class called Walking Books, and so far am liking it very much. I think I picked a very engaged, but also very demanding class to be in. We will be reading four main books, as well as many other texts, walking every day, and journaling as well, all in three weeks. Plus of course papers, presentations, and tests. But the subject material is amazing- we are talking solely about walking. The history of walking, why we walk, what walking does for the soul, what it means to humans, and everything that relates to walking from camaraderie and whether compassion is a natural human characteristic to, pardon my language, "shitting in the woods." It should be awesome.

One of the requirements of the class is to walk at least 45 minutes a day. Yesterday a went out above Baker Village into the forest, and tramped about for about an hour and a half. Here is an entry from my journal if you so care to read. It's about the silence I felt:

After about a half-mile of clumsily stomping around deer scat and ducking under low-hanging branches I stopped and looked up. I couldn’t hear the road or the humming of the school heaters, nor the chatter of passing students. It’s been a while since the silence of nature, which really isn’t silence at all, just the sound of the earth living and breathing, which feels like silence to our battered ears, since the silence of nature has surrounded me and it took me a bit of time to adjust. Then I heard a song bird high above me to my right, the cawing and hooting of some crows beyond my view, and then I heard the wind. Or rather, I heard the cracking and straining of the few last dead leaves brushing against their trees. And I saw the lengthening shadows slice up the snow, and the barren gray-brown trees played tic-tac-toe against the sky, the pale-cold sky. My tri-color scene stood stark against the holiday season that has just passed by. The rich gaudy flavor of consumerism still lingers in my mouth and I feel disgusted by the cheap shit we buy and the cheap sentimentalism we cock down our throats. In the woods I left that and just stood still.

So that was my experience walking. I wrote a bit more about the sound of my boots, but that is a bit more rambling and mad.

Take it easy,

Danny